STIRRING THE TURD

I just returned from our local super-sized mall after doing a little Holiday shopping with the old lady.  I normally let her go by herself but since we have a joint credit card I’ve learned around the Holidays that it’s best to keep a closer eye.

In the middle of this mall is an enclosed carnival where there are rides for the kids.  I usually go there while Anna hits the stores.  It gives me a chance to people watch which is one of my favorite hobbies.  People are stupid and I like to watch them being stupid.  What can I say?

However, while sitting there and watching the hoards of children and their miserable parents I noticed that one of the rides had cartoon characters on it’s side.  It was a simple ride; one that had swings where the kids would get in, get strapped down, and the contraption would then start to go round and round in circles.  The kids loved it, the parents were given a temporary break to get their sanity back, and I watched.

The cartoon characters were painted on a metal box that each swing was attached to.  Upon closer inspection I noticed a sign on top of the mechanical swing set which exclaimed, “Take a seat and let your imagination soar as you watch the whimsical world of the Backyardigans fly by!”  So these characters were the Backyardigans.  How fun.

Underneath the pictures of these characters were their names.  The Backyardigans have names… Read the rest of this entry »

Thanksgiving is nearing and along with it a long weekend for most Americans.  I’ve been working hard and I certainly am looking forward to the extra time off.

I overheard a women earlier this week exclaim after being asked about the upcoming Holiday weekend, “I’m really looking forward to a nice long one.”  I couldn’t help but laugh a little… inside of course.

I’ve since heard two other women tell others they they also were looking forward to, “a nice long one” and it reminded me that as we enter these precious Holiday times how important it is to enjoy the little things in life, no matter how small, that make you laugh and give you cheer.

And for those ladies who are hoping for a ‘long one’ – well I certainly hope you get what you are looking for.

Happy Holidays

It was a small story that came out this week:  The fact that the RNC has had abortion coverage included in their health insurance coverage since 1991.  I did not give it much though other than to write it off as another embarrassment for the party that consistently proclaims, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

However, it was Michael Steele’s statement, “Money from our loyal donors should not be used for this purpose.” that caught my attention.  I usually don’t pay much attention to what Mr. Steele has to say.  Seriously, this is the guy who proclaimed, “we need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.”

One-armed midgets aside, I asked myself, “who are these loyal donors and where is there money coming from?”  Of course at the top of the list of these loyal donors are health care insurance companies.  If you have paid any attention lately you are aware of the millions upon millions of dollars that have been poured into Republican coffers to get them elected and to stop any meaningful health care reform.

In terms of giving political contributions to one party or the other, I have no issue.  I would be a hypocrite to think otherwise.  However, I do think it’s legitimate to look at what these businesses do and how they make their money so one can determine, “What’s in it for them?” Read the rest of this entry »

Thank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards,
Mailman Fred

Maybe it’s just me but my butt has really been aching lately.  It’s sore…really sore.  Somebody did something back there and I don’t think it was consensual.  I was about to write it off to some bad takeout from Taco Bell when I came across the following article.

You see, there is this little company out there called AIG.  I have commented on them before.  They are one of those big bad Wall Street companies that everyone hates.  However, unlike most of Wall Street companies that actually are not as evil as we have been led to believe, AIG is in fact a card carrying member of the, “I’ll Fuck You Over A Penny On The Sidewalk” club.  These aren’t good people…and they are getting worse.
Read the rest of this entry »

Today I saw a Black Man.

Ever since Barack Obama started running for President, and more so after he won, I have found myself looking at Black Men and for some unknown reason I have felt a sudden urge of optimism and dare I say it…hope.

I would like to think that I am not alone, and that there are millions of Americans who no longer sees race as an impediment, but instead look at race and think, “Wow we have a Black President.”

I was walking to the local park today to watch the children play, especially the little girls, and a homeless Black Man came up and asked me if I could spare some change.

In the past I would have done what I usually do when I encounter homeless people on the street asking for money, which is bark like a dog, and then go down on my knees and reach for their crotch, and yell, “Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy!”  They take off running faster than a retard on fire, trust me.

However this day things were different.

Instead, when the stinky Black Man asked me for change I simply reached out my hand, grabbed his, and said, “Sir, I do not have the change you are looking for but I do have the change you need.”  I then handed him one of the business cards that I had made for myself after the election that had a picture of Obama, inscribed with the words, “Yes we can.”

I then told him, “Sir, as you know the United States just elected it’s first Black Man to be President.  I hope that his accomplishment will let you break through that invisible wall that is holding you back.  The chains have been removed.  You are free man…you are free.”

I let go of his hand, pulled out my travel size container of antibacterial-wipes to clean my hand, and then walked off.

I’d like to think that I’ve helped this man.  It is a new day, and I feel like I’m doing my part in helping Black Men everywhere realize that their dreams can now come true.  It’s these little things that each of us can do that I believe can make this country great again.

So I say, “Thank you Barack Obama.”  You have shown me a new world of opportunity and hope, where no Man or woman can be held back from achieving their dreams.

Well, except for those Towel Heads…they should just get the hell out of my country.

Jerusalem – In a surprising move of defiance Israeli’s Prime Minister Ehud Olmert officially announced that his country was declaring war on Sweden.

What began as an innocent trip to the grocery store has turned into a full-scale international incident and has the United Nations scrambling for an immediate resolution to the emerging crisis.

“I was just visiting my sister who lives in Tiberius!” exclaimed Harry Swede who currently lives in Visby, Sweden.  Swede is not Jewish and had not previously visited Israel.  “I was just getting sick of all this kosher crap and needed a break.” Mr. Swede continued, “Have you ever eaten Gefilte Fish Loaf?  That’s frickin carp!  Who in their right mind makes a meat loaf out of carp?  I just had to get out of there.”

Mr. Swede soon found himself at the local Shefa-Shuk supermarket looking for, “some good ole Bread Fitters.”  It was there at the Shefa-Shuk where Mr. Swede’s craving for non-kosher has since pushed Sweden and Israel to the brink of war.

“I was checking out their jams when I accidentally hit this elderly lady with my cart.  I wasn’t paying attention, I admit, but I was barely moving,” Swede conceded.  “I even apologized to the little old lady and asked if she was ok.”

According to officials at the United Nations this is where the details of the incident differ.

“That anti-Semite tried to kill me!” exclaimed Rivka Rubashkin.  “I’m just trying to live out the rest of my life in peace and out of nowhere this terrorist comes running down the isle and slams his cart into me!  He could have killed me!”

Mrs. Rubashkin was treated at a local hospital for a slight bruise to her hip and released, but not after she contacted her local Knesset official, Orit Noked, notifying her of the alleged terrorist attack.  Hearing of the atrocity Israeli officials quickly organized their troops and began immediate air strikes on Stockholm.  Israeli sources have indicated that the air strikes are to be followed by a ground invasion within the next few days if the grocery cart attacks do not immediately cease.

As of Tuesday more than 200 Stockholm citizens have been killed due to the air strikes with an estimated 2500 injured or wounded.

“Never again,” Orit Noked responded to reporters when asked whether Israel’s was overacting with it’s response to the incident.  “Our people should feel safe in all parts of Israel, including the Shefa-Shuk,” Mrs. Noked continued.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has also weighed in on the incident, sending a harsh message to Sweden if they do not immediately stop the attacks on innocent Israelis shoppers.  “Anything else will be met with the Israeli people’s iron fist,” Olmert said. “We will continue to strike with full strength, with full force until there is peace.”

Olmart was asked about Israeli’s violent response  and if it has exceeded all proportionality, violating humanity, morality, international law and reason.

“Would any country that had grocery carts launched at it’s citizens day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year be told, ‘Let the attacks continue? Just sit down and talk?’”

When reporters asked Mrs. Rubashkin if the response could be viewed as overreacting she responded, “Who’s going to pay my hospital bill?”

When asked if he felt responsible for the attacks on his home country Mr. Swede  answered, “My sister married a Jew.  He’s a cool guy, but man his country is pretty screwed up.  No Christmas present for him this year.”

Condoleezza Rice has been working feverously to draft a UN resolution demanding an immediate cease fire from the Israeli government.  In an odd twist to the negotiations Ms. Rice is expected to vote against her own resolution, once again making the United States the sole dissenting vote on the UN Security Council.

In response to the expected U.S. vote against the resolution Prime Minister Ehud Olmert explained the relationship between Israel and the United States this way.  “Bush and Condi, who’s your daddy?”

Goodbye Idiot-in-Chief!

As we get ready to say goodbye I think it’s important that we look back to 8 years ago when it all began.  Really, what was the worst that could happen?

Don’t answer that…

As originally published on January 20th, 2001:

Our best hope is that Bush will trip over his words today and fail to be inaugurated
by John O’Farrell.

Today will see the inauguration of George Bush. Today he’ll start trying to shake off the jibe that he will represent only the very rich. Tickets for the event start at £2,500. Thousands of demonstrators are expected to converge on Washington, though George will be lucky to get all of them to pay that much. The protesters are angry that Al Gore has been cheated out of the presidency but instead of joining them Al will have to stand there applauding the man who got less votes than him. He’s spent all week in front of the bathroom mirror practicing his “dignified statesman” look.

If I were Bill Clinton I would have resigned yesterday, just to give his deputy a whole 24 hours as president. This would have been just enough time for Bill to take him round the Oval Office and show him the ropes. “Al, here’s your desk. Look, I had them make up a little nameplate saying ‘Al Gore, President’. Take a seat Al, how does it feel?” Then “President Gore” could have sat down and opened up his diary to see what his duties were for the day. “Let’s see, Saturday, Saturday. Ah yes, here we are; 4pm – hand over the presidency to George Bush.”

Throughout his campaign George W Bush told us that the “W” stood for “win”, although when you hear him speak it is not the first “W” that springs to mind. It is typical of “Dubya” that he won the election by losing it, since his entire career has been built upon a succession of failures from which he emerged better placed on each occasion.

He likes to make out that he had a typical American background, no different to any other wholesome American family in which Dad was head of the CIA. No doubt when they were kids George and his brother could be heard playing in the backyard. “Come on Jeb, let’s play destabilizing third world governments.”

After an expensive education which resulted only in mediocre grades, George Jr took the traditional route for future American politicians and jumped the queue for the National Guard to avoid going to Vietnam. It’s a shame for the US that he never took part in the war, because after the North Vietnamese had overrun Saigon and occupied the entire country, Bush could have declared America the winner.

In 1981 Dad became vice-president, which seemed to coincide with the time that George Jr found it easier to get backers for his oil company. Despite his connections his various oil businesses all foundered, and though his investors lost millions, George somehow always managed to emerge with his personal wealth increased. Who needs oil when Dad can oil the wheels for you?

Even more murky are his financial dealings with the Texas Rangers baseball team. Bush put together a consortium of millionaires to buy the club, and got himself made managing director even though he put up less than 1% of the money himself.

A brand new stadium was built with public money. This greatly increased the value of the club but of course none of this cash was returned to the taxpayer when it was sold again. George pocketed a cool $14.9m and became the man who put the “base” into baseball.

The association with the Texas Rangers made him a local celebrity and against expectations he was elected governor. He worked very hard in Texas, signing more death warrants than all the other state governors put together. He broke a few other records as well; Texas now has the worst water pollution and air quality of any of the major states.

Bush consistently took the side of big business against the interests of ordinary Texans and what he did for the Lone Star state, he now hopes to do for all 50. It couldn’t be better for the multinationals if Ronald McDonald himself had got the presidency. In fact Ronald probably would have got the Republican nomination if it wasn’t so obvious that he wore make-up.

The only hope is that at today’s inauguration, George will trip over his words again and fail to be sworn in as president. Because some of his recent statements suggest he might not be quite up to the world’s top job.

“I was raised in the west. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington DC is close to California.” He’s even stronger on economics: “It’s clearly a budget; it’s got a lot of numbers in it.” And on the environment: “Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

We knew that American voters had an anti-intellectual streak but they didn’t have to go that far. But as George said himself “they misunderestimated me”. Today, at the dawn of the 21st century, the global village is finally complete. At last it has a global village idiot.

I have no doubt that eventually I will be famous.  The only thing I’m not quite sure about is when…

Until that day comes, however, I must act as if I am already famous knowing that one day I will be quoted by scholars across the nation.

However I first have to say or write something that someone would actually want to quote.  It’s harder than you might think.

Where did I give birth to my first quote?  Well, I don’t really want to get into the dirty details, but let’s just say some punk college kid was trying to be sarcastic and I didn’t appreciate it.  He was one of those rat-bastard college kids who uses the subjective personal pronoun, ‘we’ when referring to his parents and how much money they make.

“We are already pay too much in taxes now!” he argued, referring to how much his parents were paying in taxes.  Not how much he was paying, but how much his parents were paying.  We…give me a break.

Thus my retort, and to my surprise… my first quote:

“You are either trying to be smart or succeeding at being stupid.”

So that’s my first quote and I think it’s pretty good.  Go ahead and start using it, but at least give me credit like they do Mark Twain, Quinton Crisp, Marcus Aurelius, or George Carlin.