June 5, 2009 - 7:35 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
Thank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards,
Mailman Fred
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April 22, 2009 - 8:16 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
Maybe it’s just me but my butt has really been aching lately. It’s sore…really sore. Somebody did something back there and I don’t think it was consensual. I was about to write it off to some bad takeout from Taco Bell when I came across the following article.
You see, there is this little company out there called AIG. I have commented on them before. They are one of those big bad Wall Street companies that everyone hates. However, unlike most of Wall Street companies that actually are not as evil as we have been led to believe, AIG is in fact a card carrying member of the, “I’ll Fuck You Over A Penny On The Sidewalk” club. These aren’t good people…and they are getting worse.
Read the rest of this entry »
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January 25, 2009 - 1:44 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
Today I saw a Black Man.
Ever since Barack Obama started running for President, and more so after he won, I have found myself looking at Black Men and for some unknown reason I have felt a sudden urge of optimism and dare I say it…hope.
I would like to think that I am not alone, and that there are millions of Americans who no longer sees race as an impediment, but instead look at race and think, “Wow we have a Black President.”
I was walking to the local park today to watch the children play, especially the little girls, and a homeless Black Man came up and asked me if I could spare some change.
In the past I would have done what I usually do when I encounter homeless people on the street asking for money, which is bark like a dog, and then go down on my knees and reach for their crotch, and yell, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” They take off running faster than a retard on fire, trust me.
However this day things were different.
Instead, when the stinky Black Man asked me for change I simply reached out my hand, grabbed his, and said, “Sir, I do not have the change you are looking for but I do have the change you need.” I then handed him one of the business cards that I had made for myself after the election that had a picture of Obama, inscribed with the words, “Yes we can.”
I then told him, “Sir, as you know the United States just elected it’s first Black Man to be President. I hope that his accomplishment will let you break through that invisible wall that is holding you back. The chains have been removed. You are free man…you are free.”
I let go of his hand, pulled out my travel size container of antibacterial-wipes to clean my hand, and then walked off.
I’d like to think that I’ve helped this man. It is a new day, and I feel like I’m doing my part in helping Black Men everywhere realize that their dreams can now come true. It’s these little things that each of us can do that I believe can make this country great again.
So I say, “Thank you Barack Obama.” You have shown me a new world of opportunity and hope, where no Man or woman can be held back from achieving their dreams.
Well, except for those Towel Heads…they should just get the hell out of my country.
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January 13, 2009 - 12:39 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
Jerusalem - In a surprising move of defiance Israeli’s Prime Minister Ehud Olmert officially announced that his country was declaring war on Sweden.
What began as an innocent trip to the grocery store has turned into a full-scale international incident and has the United Nations scrambling for an immediate resolution to the emerging crisis.
“I was just visiting my sister who lives in Tiberius!” exclaimed Harry Swede who currently lives in Visby, Sweden. Swede is not Jewish and had not previously visited Israel. “I was just getting sick of all this kosher crap and needed a break.” Mr. Swede continued, “Have you ever eaten Gefilte Fish Loaf? That’s frickin carp! Who in their right mind makes a meat loaf out of carp? I just had to get out of there.”
Mr. Swede soon found himself at the local Shefa-Shuk supermarket looking for, “some good ole Bread Fitters.” It was there at the Shefa-Shuk where Mr. Swede’s craving for non-kosher has since pushed Sweden and Israel to the brink of war.
“I was checking out their jams when I accidentally hit this elderly lady with my cart. I wasn’t paying attention, I admit, but I was barely moving,” Swede conceded. “I even apologized to the little old lady and asked if she was ok.”
According to officials at the United Nations this is where the details of the incident differ.
“That anti-Semite tried to kill me!” exclaimed Rivka Rubashkin. “I’m just trying to live out the rest of my life in peace and out of nowhere this terrorist comes running down the isle and slams his cart into me! He could have killed me!”
Mrs. Rubashkin was treated at a local hospital for a slight bruise to her hip and released, but not after she contacted her local Knesset official, Orit Noked, notifying her of the alleged terrorist attack. Hearing of the atrocity Israeli officials quickly organized their troops and began immediate air strikes on Stockholm. Israeli sources have indicated that the air strikes are to be followed by a ground invasion within the next few days if the grocery cart attacks do not immediately cease.
As of Tuesday more than 200 Stockholm citizens have been killed due to the air strikes with an estimated 2500 injured or wounded.
“Never again,” Orit Noked responded to reporters when asked whether Israel’s was overacting with it’s response to the incident. “Our people should feel safe in all parts of Israel, including the Shefa-Shuk,” Mrs. Noked continued.
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has also weighed in on the incident, sending a harsh message to Sweden if they do not immediately stop the attacks on innocent Israelis shoppers. “Anything else will be met with the Israeli people’s iron fist,” Olmert said. “We will continue to strike with full strength, with full force until there is peace.”
Olmart was asked about Israeli’s violent response and if it has exceeded all proportionality, violating humanity, morality, international law and reason.
“Would any country that had grocery carts launched at it’s citizens day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year be told, ‘Let the attacks continue? Just sit down and talk?’”
When reporters asked Mrs. Rubashkin if the response could be viewed as overreacting she responded, “Who’s going to pay my hospital bill?”
When asked if he felt responsible for the attacks on his home country Mr. Swede answered, “My sister married a Jew. He’s a cool guy, but man his country is pretty screwed up. No Christmas present for him this year.”
Condoleezza Rice has been working feverously to draft a UN resolution demanding an immediate cease fire from the Israeli government. In an odd twist to the negotiations Ms. Rice is expected to vote against her own resolution, once again making the United States the sole dissenting vote on the UN Security Council.
In response to the expected U.S. vote against the resolution Prime Minister Ehud Olmert explained the relationship between Israel and the United States this way. “Bush and Condi, who’s your daddy?”
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January 12, 2009 - 7:27 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
Goodbye Idiot-in-Chief!
As we get ready to say goodbye I think it’s important that we look back to 8 years ago when it all began. Really, what was the worst that could happen?
Don’t answer that…
As originally published on January 20th, 2001:
Our best hope is that Bush will trip over his words today and fail to be inaugurated
by John O’Farrell.
Today will see the inauguration of George Bush. Today he’ll start trying to shake off the jibe that he will represent only the very rich. Tickets for the event start at £2,500. Thousands of demonstrators are expected to converge on Washington, though George will be lucky to get all of them to pay that much. The protesters are angry that Al Gore has been cheated out of the presidency but instead of joining them Al will have to stand there applauding the man who got less votes than him. He’s spent all week in front of the bathroom mirror practicing his “dignified statesman” look.
If I were Bill Clinton I would have resigned yesterday, just to give his deputy a whole 24 hours as president. This would have been just enough time for Bill to take him round the Oval Office and show him the ropes. “Al, here’s your desk. Look, I had them make up a little nameplate saying ‘Al Gore, President’. Take a seat Al, how does it feel?” Then “President Gore” could have sat down and opened up his diary to see what his duties were for the day. “Let’s see, Saturday, Saturday. Ah yes, here we are; 4pm - hand over the presidency to George Bush.”
Throughout his campaign George W Bush told us that the “W” stood for “win”, although when you hear him speak it is not the first “W” that springs to mind. It is typical of “Dubya” that he won the election by losing it, since his entire career has been built upon a succession of failures from which he emerged better placed on each occasion.
He likes to make out that he had a typical American background, no different to any other wholesome American family in which Dad was head of the CIA. No doubt when they were kids George and his brother could be heard playing in the backyard. “Come on Jeb, let’s play destabilizing third world governments.”
After an expensive education which resulted only in mediocre grades, George Jr took the traditional route for future American politicians and jumped the queue for the National Guard to avoid going to Vietnam. It’s a shame for the US that he never took part in the war, because after the North Vietnamese had overrun Saigon and occupied the entire country, Bush could have declared America the winner.
In 1981 Dad became vice-president, which seemed to coincide with the time that George Jr found it easier to get backers for his oil company. Despite his connections his various oil businesses all foundered, and though his investors lost millions, George somehow always managed to emerge with his personal wealth increased. Who needs oil when Dad can oil the wheels for you?
Even more murky are his financial dealings with the Texas Rangers baseball team. Bush put together a consortium of millionaires to buy the club, and got himself made managing director even though he put up less than 1% of the money himself.
A brand new stadium was built with public money. This greatly increased the value of the club but of course none of this cash was returned to the taxpayer when it was sold again. George pocketed a cool $14.9m and became the man who put the “base” into baseball.
The association with the Texas Rangers made him a local celebrity and against expectations he was elected governor. He worked very hard in Texas, signing more death warrants than all the other state governors put together. He broke a few other records as well; Texas now has the worst water pollution and air quality of any of the major states.
Bush consistently took the side of big business against the interests of ordinary Texans and what he did for the Lone Star state, he now hopes to do for all 50. It couldn’t be better for the multinationals if Ronald McDonald himself had got the presidency. In fact Ronald probably would have got the Republican nomination if it wasn’t so obvious that he wore make-up.
The only hope is that at today’s inauguration, George will trip over his words again and fail to be sworn in as president. Because some of his recent statements suggest he might not be quite up to the world’s top job.
“I was raised in the west. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington DC is close to California.” He’s even stronger on economics: “It’s clearly a budget; it’s got a lot of numbers in it.” And on the environment: “Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”
We knew that American voters had an anti-intellectual streak but they didn’t have to go that far. But as George said himself “they misunderestimated me”. Today, at the dawn of the 21st century, the global village is finally complete. At last it has a global village idiot.
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November 25, 2008 - 8:30 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
I have no doubt that eventually I will be famous. The only thing I’m not quite sure about is when…
Until that day comes, however, I must act as if I am already famous knowing that one day I will be quoted by scholars across the nation.
However I first have to say or write something that someone would actually want to quote. It’s harder than you might think.
Where did I give birth to my first quote? Well, I don’t really want to get into the dirty details, but let’s just say some punk college kid was trying to be sarcastic and I didn’t appreciate it. He was one of those rat-bastard college kids who uses the subjective personal pronoun, ‘we’ when referring to his parents and how much money they make.
“We are already pay too much in taxes now!” he argued, referring to how much his parents were paying in taxes. Not how much he was paying, but how much his parents were paying. We…give me a break.
Thus my retort, and to my surprise… my first quote:
“You are either trying to be smart or succeeding at being stupid.”
So that’s my first quote and I think it’s pretty good. Go ahead and start using it, but at least give me credit like they do Mark Twain, Quinton Crisp, Marcus Aurelius, or George Carlin.
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October 23, 2008 - 10:07 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
You would think that after being on this earth for 43 years you would understand why you do the things you do, however every once in a while you notice something that has gone unnoticed…something that in hindsight was always there, but you never consciously realized you were doing it.
I had one of those epiphanies tonight.
I had just finished going to the bathroom, and it was a sit-down job if you know what I mean. Afterwards I went back to the living room and found myself squinting at the television. Sure enough I reached up to my face only to discover my glasses were no longer attached to my face.
Where in the heck did they go? I know I had just been wearing them, so with everything that is temporarily lost I got up off the couch and started to roam my little house in search of my glasses.
I looked in the kitchen, on the counter-tops, checked out my bedroom and my office.
Nothing.
On a whim I went into the bathroom and sitting right there next to the bathroom sink were my missing glasses. It was then that I remembered taking them off…while I was taking a dump.
Now I’m not sure what was so different tonight to make me think anything beyond the fact that I found my glasses. Maybe it was the chicken wings I had for dinner. But I found myself asking myself, “Why did you take your glasses off when you were unloading?” And I didn’t have an answer.
Then the memories in my subconscious that had been conveniently stored away for a lifetime came back in a tsunami wave of realization. I had, and never realized it until tonight, that every time I sat down to take a dump that I automatically would take off my glasses and set them aside.
If I was at work I would set them on top of the toilet paper dispenser. At home, right net to the abode on the bathroom counter. I realized that it wasn’t just once in a while, it was every time. The question that I have been struggling with for the past hour or so is why? What compels me to take my glasses off when I’m dropping a load?
I still don’t know. I’m going to sleep on it and over the next few weeks try to solve this puzzle that has me now so perplexed.
I wonder if anyone else ever does this, but it’s not exactly something you would ask friends or family, right?
“Hey Sue, how’s your day going? Great. Mind if I ask you a question. When you take a shit are you compelled to take off you glasses and set them aside?” I have some close buddies who wear glasses, so I might just pop the question to them. They’ve come to suspect that I’m not the most normal person around, so I’m hoping for no long-term damage to our friendship.
I wonder if I could get a college professor, or someone getting their doctorate in psychology to write a paper on it.
I need to figure this out because it’s really bugging me.
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October 19, 2008 - 8:12 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
With the anointment of Obama now almost certain I can only hope that he continues to re-shape the Democratic party into one that no longer includes the old, tired, and ever so predictable policies and cast of characters of the past.
Hillary was the first casualty, and I hope Reid and Pelosi will soon follow. I will watch gleefully as they realize that the power they now hold in Washington will slowly start to erode as Obama shapes the party into the one he has envisioned for this country.
Pelosi and Reid and many others are damaged goods - anointed by peers who could not conceive the changes that were to come. Their support is now limited to those who wish to hold on to the ‘old school’ ways of division and intimidation. They no longer will serve any purpose in the ‘new’ Democratic Party.
Obama knows that he will not be able to unite this country with such polarizing figures who’s respect goes little further than their own political territories and insider political allies.
Hillary was the first casualty and I must admit a certain amount of glee as I see the realization on her and Bill’s face that her dreams of entitlement and anointment to the highest job in the land is over… gone…forever.
There are more that will need to be taken down. I look forward to them being tossed aside for the next generation of leadership to emerge and take their rightful place along side Obama.
The clock is ticking for Reid and Pelosi and their time and future is will soon come to an end. Barack knows this and I imagine it will only be a matter of time before Reid and Pelosi understand that they can no longer be held up as the political embarrassment that they have become.
Let Obama shape his new team, and those who have played the politics of old will find themselves not being invited to the party. They will be outsiders wondering how their time in the spotlight was taken from them…without them even realizing it.
Even I, one who hated the old school party for years, could never have dreamed that Obama would achieve as much power and success.
And people assumed it was just the Republicans who needed to worry.
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September 27, 2008 - 1:48 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
In light of last night’s debate I have re-posted the following that I wrote about months ago.
McCain wears a stylish Matthew Stanley.
Obama poses with a subtle but shiny Ryan David Jopek.
Both McCain and Obama are giving speeches that include stories on how distraught parents gave the candidates a bracelet inscribed with the names of their sons who were killed in Iraq.
McCain
USA Today reports:
“The Republican senator from Arizona was wearing the black bracelet during an interview Tuesday with reporters and editors of The Associated Press. He said he promised Stanley’s mother, Lynn Savage of Wolfeboro, N.H., that he will do everything in his power to make sure her son’s death was not in vain.”
Obama
(AP) Barack Obama is wearing a wristband in memory of a soldier killed in Iraq, given to him by a mother who said she wants the Democratic presidential candidate to keep others from dying.
Even though I support one of these candidates I think that both of them are appalling for doing stunts like this. They can make arguments for or against our future in Iraq without using young men who have died in this war. It’s just not right and quite frankly it’s a little disgusting to pander for votes this way.
The whole, “I respect the dead” more than you argument doesn’t fly, with me at least.
When they actually get a tattoo of one of these guys on their arm, then I’ll shut up.
As for Hillary - well she is waiting for the focus groups to see if she should also start wearing a bracelet.
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September 16, 2008 - 7:15 pm - Posted by Mailman Fred
We’ve all seen the news today about AIG.
What is AIG you ask? First, it’s much more than the “We Know Money” commercials that we’ve seen on TV.
They are a GLOBAL company with the majority of their operations outside of the United States.
Let me repeat that…THE MAJORITY OF THEIR OPERATIONS ARE NOT IN THE U.S.
The last time I looked they were only about 40% domestic with the rest of their operations being elsewhere, with the biggest global partner being…hold it…hold it…
CHINA!
Again, let me repeat…the biggest partner for AIG outside of the United States is CHINA.
Yet over the last two days there are discussions with the Federal Reserve to ‘loan’ the company $75 BILLION (not million - BILLION) dollars.
And where would we get that money to loan AIG. I don’t know…where does the United States get money when we are already in debt over our heads? Hold it…hold it…
CHINA!
So basically what you are seeing is Bushco and Company bailing out a global company that has the majority of their operations not in the U.S. but in countries around the world - with the main country being CHINA.
And it gets even more interesting, or sad depending if you have lost all faith in our government.
There is this guy…his name is Maurice Greenberg…or Hank as he likes to be addressed. He was tossed out at AIG a few years back. He is a BILLIONAIRE. If you thought you had seen his name in the press recently, you have. He and three other former executives of AIG agreed to pay $115 million to settle a lawsuit. He was being accused of failing to perform his ‘fiduciary duty’ as a former chief executive of…hold it, hold it.
AIG!
He was obviously just a little concerned that the lawsuit may not swing his way. Why else would anyone agree to pay over $100 million?
But guess who just might slide back in and run AIG again if Bushco and Company gives little ole AIG a loan. Hold it..hold it…
Hank Greenberg!
Hank is good…he is REALLY good. Him and his cronies settle a lawsuit and pay over $100 million for mismanagement, and then when people aren’t looking he is trying to slide back in and take over the same AIG again…with just a little help from our own Federal Reserve.
As the unemployment rate rises Bushco and Company has let it be known load and clear who he is really looking out for and it isn’t the middle class. It’s the big cats, and by big I mean BILLIONAIRE BIG. He may only have a few months left but he’s going to use that time to help out his buddies in every which way he can.
So let the fire sale begin.
AIG will not be the last ‘helping hand’ from Bushco and Company. There are more ‘handouts’ for the rich to come.
However there is always a silver lining…
Tom Brokaw has Maurice Greenberg in his book The Greatest Generation.
Yup, that’s right. According to secret Republican Tom Brokaw Greenberg is who we all should aspire to be like. A BILLIONAIRE who will not lose a minute of sleep while he wrecks the future generations of this great country.
On behalf of Hank to all taxpayers and the generations to follow who will have to clean up this mess:
I THANK YOU.
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