Suspect Photo

TUSCON – A local Pima County Sheriff’s officer was killed yesterday after stopping a suspected illegal Alien and asking for his papers.  Witnesses say that the officer appeared to be caught off guard when the Alien suddenly punctured the officer’s skull with his second set of inner teeth.

“I saw the Alien hanging out in the park and I didn’t think anything of it,” said local artist Anthony Shalikasvilli who witnessed the incident.  “I saw the officer walk up to the Alien and after a brief conversation the Alien appeared to get upset and the next thing I knew the officer’s head exploded.”

Officials were able to track down the suspect after talking with other witnesses who came forward indicating they were friends with the Alien. Jose Balboa, a coworker who works with the Alien at the local Denny’s, said that he was surprised by the incident.  “He’s actually fairly quiet and keeps to himself.”  Asked if he had ever seen the Alien get angry Jose remarked, “The only time I saw him get upset was when some of the waitresses weren’t sorting the dirty silverware the way he wanted it.  He drooled some acid on the floor that ruined the carpet and that pretty much settled the matter.”

Although admitting it was a tragic incident local ACLU lawyer Henry Washowski defended the Alien’s actions stating, “This is exactly what we warned people would happen if this unconstitutional law was passed.”  Asked to explain further Mr. Washowski exclaimed, “The police were just asking for trouble when they began racial profiling.  In this case the officer had nothing to go by other than the fact that the individual looked different.  Also, where exactly is he supposed to keep his papers?  Seriously, he doesn’t even wear clothes!”

Local authorities have since admitted that the Alien is in fact a legal citizen.  According to a press release issued by the Sheriff’s office the Alien exploded out of the chest of a tourist visiting from Peru, in essence granting the Alien automatic U.S. citizenship under the 14^th Amendment.

Conservative activist Michelle Malkin weighed in on the incident stating, “The custom of granting automatic citizenship at birth to children, or Aliens, of tourists and temporary workers such as this only encourages more anchor babies delivered by illegal aliens on American soil.  This practice continues to undermine the integrity of citizenship—not to mention national security.”

The Alien is currently being held at the Tucson jail awaiting a hearing scheduled for Friday.

Norfolk, VA – In an interview with the Virginian-Pilot newspaper gay navy seaman Trent Tholmbloom proclaimed that although he is gay he does not support the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Mr. Tholmbloom went on to explain.

“The last thing I need right now is another pretty boy coming onto my turf.”

Mr. Tholmbloom’s concern comes at a time when the Senate Armed Services Committee voted to repeal the ban on gay men serving openly in the military. While most of the focus has been on the military’s capability to adapt to homosexuals openly serving in the armed forces, little has been reported on the impact that the repeal would have on currently serving gay troops.

Seaman Tholmbloom, who has been serving in the Navy since 2002, indicated that although the change may appear to be a step in the right direction for gay rights, it does come at a price.

“I’m on a ship with over 300 men and those men know who gives the meanest spit shine…if you know what I mean.  You get too many queens in a confined space fighting over a limited amount of straight boy booty and girlfriend it ain’t going to be pretty.”

Reached for comment The Human Rights Campaign indicated their support for the repeal of the ban but did indicate that not all currently serving troops felt that the repeal would benefit them. Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese said of the possible repeal.

“We’ve got a lot of queens who are used to being the only gay guy around.  You have to understand what when you have a lot of straight men, away from their wives and girlfriends, that these queens reap the benefits.”

Asked if currently serving gay serviceman would need to adapt to the change along with their straight counterparts Mr. Solmonese responded, “You ever try to take a bone from an mean dog?  Well, try to take away some of the good pickins that these guys have been getting for years.  A new gay serviceman trying to hone in on one of their men is going to find themselves getting a mean bitch slap.”

The measure would still need to pass in the full Senate. The House is scheduled to vote on the ban Friday.

JERUSALEM – In a surprising move of defiance Israeli’s Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu officially announced that his country was declaring war on Sweden.  What began as an innocent trip to the grocery store has turned into a full-scale international incident and has the United Nations scrambling for an immediate resolution to the emerging crisis.

“I was just visiting my sister who lives Tiberius!” exclaimed Harry Swede who currently lives in Visby, Sweden.  Swede is not Jewish and had not previously visited Israel.  “I was just getting sick of all this kosher crap and needed a break.” Mr. Swede continued, “Have you ever eaten Gefilte Fish Loaf?  That’s frickin carp!  Who in their right mind makes a meat loaf out of carp?  I just had to get out of there.”

Mr. Swede soon found himself at the local Shefa-Shuk supermarket looking for, “some good ole Bread Fitters.”  It was there at the Shefa-Shuk where Mr. Swede’s craving for non-kosher has since pushed Sweden and Israel to the brink of war.

“I was checking out their jams when I accidentally hit this elderly lady with my cart.  I wasn’t paying attention, I admit, but I was barely moving,” Swede conceded.  “I even apologized to the little old lady and asked if she was ok.”

According to officials at the United Nations this is where the details of the incident differ.

“That anti-Semite tried to kill me!” exclaimed Rivka Rubashkin.  “I’m just trying to live out the rest of my life in peace and out of nowhere this terrorist comes running down the isle and slams his cart into me!  He could have killed me!”

Mrs. Rubashkin was treated at a local hospital for a slight bruise to her hip and released, but not after she contacted her local Knesset official, Orit Noked, notifying her of the alleged terrorist attack.  Hearing of the atrocity Israeli officials quickly organized their troops and began immediate air strikes on Stockholm.  Israeli sources have indicated that the air strikes are to be followed by a ground invasion within the next few days if the grocery cart attacks do not immediate cease.

As of Tuesday more than 200 Stockholm citizens have been killed due to the air strikes with an estimated 2500 injured or wounded.

“Never again,” Orit Noked responded to reporters when asked whether Israel’s was overacting with it’s response to the incident.  “Our people should feel safe in all parts of Israel, including the Shefa-Shuk,” Mrs. Noked continued.

Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has weighed in on the incident, sending a harsh message to Sweden if they do not immediately stop the attacks on innocent Israelis shoppers.  “Anything else will be met with the Israeli people’s iron fist,” Netanyahu said. “We will continue to strike with full strength, with full force until there is peace.”

Netanyahu was asked about Israeli’s violent response  and if it has exceeded all proportionality, violating humanity, morality, international law and reason.

“Would any country that had grocery carts launched at it’s citizens day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year be told, ‘Let the attacks continue? Just sit down and talk?’”

When reporters asked Mrs. Rubashkin if the response could be viewed as overreacting she responded, “Who’s going to pay my hospital bill?”

When asked if he felt responsible for the attacks on his home country Mr. Swede  answered, “My sister married a Jew.  He’s a cool guy, but man his country is pretty screwed up.  No Christmas present for him this year.”

Hillary Clinton has been working feverishly to draft a UN resolution demanding an immediate cease fire from the Israeli government.  In an odd twist to the negotiations Secretary Clinton is expected to vote against her own resolution, once again making the United States the sole dissenting vote on the UN Security Council.

In response to the expected U.S. vote against the resolution Prime Minister Netanyahu explained the relationship between Israel and the United States this way.  “Obama and Hillary, who’s your daddy?”

Redmond, Wa – After launching in June 2009 Microsoft’s Bing search engine celebrated the news that it logged it’s 10^th internet search request.  Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer held a press conference today announcing the company’s latest accomplishment.  Mr. Ballmer made the announcement to a cheering audience of Microsoft employees.

“We were the little engine that could!” proclaimed Ballmer.

After previously failing three times and spending over $6 billion dollars with previous search engines Live Search, Windows Live Search, and MSN Search the Microsoft CEO proclaimed in his speech that, “The 4^th time is a charm.”  Asked if he felt that getting only 10 users over a period of  a year was an indication of success the CEO pumped his fist into the air and proclaimed, “Fuck yeah it’s a success.  We’re Microsoft mother fuckers!”

Verification that anyone has actually used the Bing search engine was not immediately made available.  Mike Nichols, Bing general manager, talked with reporters after the event.

“We know we have had 10 people use Bing to search for stuff.  I checked Google this morning and we definitely had at least 10 people who searched for the word Bing.  I’m pretty sure some of them came to our site.”

Also at the event was Mark Sheltenfarc from Hackleburg, Alabama, the apparent 10^th user who apparently logged onto the Bing site.  At the event he waved at the crowd after being introduced as the 10^th customer and afterwards he talked with reporters.

“My local head shop was out of screens for my bong, so I thought I would try to find some online.  I must have entered bing instead, but damn I was so wasted.  The next thing I knew I had a limousine pulling up in front of my trailer and some dude telling me to get in.”

Asked if he was a fan of Bing Mr. Sheltenfarc replied, “I don’t know about that but did you know that when you go up in one of those fancy flying planes and look out the window that you have to look down to see the clouds?  It’s fucking freaky man.   They’re down man, down.”

Asked if he was concerned with the apparent success of Bing, Google spokesman Gabriel Stricker stated, “What in the hell is a Bing?”